You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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