The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
