): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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