Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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