How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
