Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
