She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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