Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
