...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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