1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
