dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
