you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
