i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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