And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
