I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That accounts for only three of the penises
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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