Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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