Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
