This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
