I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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