dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize