Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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