Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
