if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
