hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
