he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
