hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
