do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
