can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
