Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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