He is such a slut. More and more my type.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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