Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You ate ashes out of my bong
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
