Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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