My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
