I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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