tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
