i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
