Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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