She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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