there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
