You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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