You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
