if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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