i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I deserve this hangover.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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