I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
