I accidentally had phone sex last night
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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