Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
