Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
