Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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