Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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