He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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