I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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