But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
