i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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