my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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