I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
