the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
