if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
