Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
